That Year
Hi friends,
My title of this blog is a tad misleading, because my dad did not even make it a year. We found out about his cancer in June 2013, and he passed away early May 2014. From my own memory, I was selfish and some what of a bitch for the first few months of my dad's battle. One of my most regretful moments that I vividly remember was the embarrassment I felt when my dad walked into the SI gym for one of my first varsity volleyball home games with a fanny pack on, which was distributing his chemo medicine to him. He walked all the way to the top of the bleachers to sit alone. I bet in that moment he did not feel very good about himself. I did not think about the fact that my dad would never miss one of my games or how he was my biggest fan, I just felt embarrassed because of a simple fanny pack. Even writing about it I feel this overwhelming amount of guilt in the way I looked at my dad in that time. Nothing about being sick is embarrassing and I hope he never was able to see that in my face, because he didn't deserve it.
He still drove me to every volleyball practice and sat there waiting for me to be done, and we would play ping pong in the backyard, and he would text me such nice and loving things everyday. Until the days where he physically couldn't, he would do anything for me. My mom told me later about the moment she knew I matured and was ready to be there for my dad. Everyday I would walk into the house after school and go straight to my room, with my dad usually sitting watching TV in the living room. This time I walked into the living room and smiled at him and joined him for our favorite show (chopped). It wasn't some huge act of kindness by me, but from that moment on I put my dad before me. Everyone looks back on tough times and judges themselves very harshly, which I did and still sometimes do. There are a lot of things I wish I could go back and change, but I know that I was able to turn it around for the last months and hopefully make him feel loved. Losing your parent is tough no matter what age you are, but at 15 years old I felt I matured well beyond my age; something I did not want but could never get rid of. If you are struggling right now with a family member being sick, see how it feels to completely devote your love to them, and in that moment as well as years later you are going to find so much comfort in knowing you made their battle just a little easier.
Peace and love
anne
My title of this blog is a tad misleading, because my dad did not even make it a year. We found out about his cancer in June 2013, and he passed away early May 2014. From my own memory, I was selfish and some what of a bitch for the first few months of my dad's battle. One of my most regretful moments that I vividly remember was the embarrassment I felt when my dad walked into the SI gym for one of my first varsity volleyball home games with a fanny pack on, which was distributing his chemo medicine to him. He walked all the way to the top of the bleachers to sit alone. I bet in that moment he did not feel very good about himself. I did not think about the fact that my dad would never miss one of my games or how he was my biggest fan, I just felt embarrassed because of a simple fanny pack. Even writing about it I feel this overwhelming amount of guilt in the way I looked at my dad in that time. Nothing about being sick is embarrassing and I hope he never was able to see that in my face, because he didn't deserve it.
He still drove me to every volleyball practice and sat there waiting for me to be done, and we would play ping pong in the backyard, and he would text me such nice and loving things everyday. Until the days where he physically couldn't, he would do anything for me. My mom told me later about the moment she knew I matured and was ready to be there for my dad. Everyday I would walk into the house after school and go straight to my room, with my dad usually sitting watching TV in the living room. This time I walked into the living room and smiled at him and joined him for our favorite show (chopped). It wasn't some huge act of kindness by me, but from that moment on I put my dad before me. Everyone looks back on tough times and judges themselves very harshly, which I did and still sometimes do. There are a lot of things I wish I could go back and change, but I know that I was able to turn it around for the last months and hopefully make him feel loved. Losing your parent is tough no matter what age you are, but at 15 years old I felt I matured well beyond my age; something I did not want but could never get rid of. If you are struggling right now with a family member being sick, see how it feels to completely devote your love to them, and in that moment as well as years later you are going to find so much comfort in knowing you made their battle just a little easier.
Peace and love
anne
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