Heartbreak

(Other people always let you down.  Why don't you forget them and do something for yourself?) -theme

Hello friends,

I want to talk about heartbreak and all the shitty forms it comes in :) When I think about my dad dying I think of a little piece of my heart physically falling off, never to come back again.  That might seem a little extreme, but when it comes to death that person cannot come back and those feelings can never fully heal.  When it comes to boys or even ending friendships with close friends I see it very differently.  

 Now I have never been the boy crazy type of girl-  I put myself, volleyball, my friends, even school before thinking about a boy.  Obviously I had my crushes here and there but even the few relationships I had in high school weren't serious and only lasted a few months.  I absolutely love to see other people in love, to watch the movies with happy endings, to hear my mother talk about the love my dad always showed her, but I think I am either too scared or too pessimistic to believe I will ever receive that.  The boy I liked in high school was great and loved me and was so nice but I ran away from him, making up some awful excuse for the break up and then regretting it months later.  My dad passing away has definitely created fear inside of me that the people I love with always leave; which is probably why I would just rather not love at all. 

I needed to write about this topic because it is so fresh in my mind today (and my stomach, thank you anxiety). Long story short I finally fell in love with a boy.  He was compassionate, selfless, goofy, athletic, smart, and loving.  He had his flaws,  but he was the only guy I've ever told I love you to.  He would listen to me and support me when I was struggling with my mental health, he came to my volleyball games even though I did not step on the court, and he was never too busy to come over and watch Jersey Shore every night.  It was his first serious relationship as well, which may have been one of the reasons it did not work out.  We struggled a lot with jealously and petty fighting, arguing over text or being passive aggressive and then someone apologizing and everything being okay again.  Obviously this cycle wasn't healthy, but I just could not say goodbye to him.  I stuck around with all the fighting because I thought he was so good for me, and the fighting would eventually end; which it did not. He was the one to say goodbye to me, realizing the relationship we were in wasn't what he wanted.  I always want to keep trying and trying everything until I get it right, but I can't do that this time.  Unfortunately I don't get the second chance to work on myself and the flaws I had that may have hurt our relationship, but if I do find another guy to love at least I will have learned from this.  I struggle saying goodbye to people I have put so much emotional investment into, and it feels like my world is crashing down, but I know that unlike my dad this loss will just form a little tear in my heart, which over time will fully heal.  I also know that we are all supposed to be with the right person in the end, so I am going to feel confidence that in years to come I will be with the right guy.  

Boyfriends are definitely not the only people who can break our hearts.  I have found that losing certain best friends took such a toll on me that my depression was spiked to an all time high for months.  It is so confusing to watch someone who used to love you and be your best friend slip away, feeling like you weren't good enough for them.  It was very difficult for me to show my emotions when I lost my dad, and I feel as though when I watched my best friend walk away I just had an eruption of sadness- where is everyone going?!  Now I am worried I have formed a habit on how to deal with loss... ignore all feelings until it literally blows up in my face.  I have definitely recovered from the sadness I felt losing my best friend and do realize now that I'm a better person because of it; but it was still really hard waiting for the storm to pass. 

 This time I know I have more tools to feel better and friends to talk to, but the anxiety I feel in my stomach is the hardest thing to get rid of.  

peace and love

anne 

quotes: 

"I want excitement; and I don't care what form it takes or what I pay for it, so long as it makes my heart beat".

"Stop chasing the wrong one, the right one won't run".

"When two people love each other and can't make it work...that's the real tragedy". 

"I think you know how to love better than any of us, that's why you find it all so painful".
"I know I deserve love- but I am getting really tired of finding it only to lose it".